DWELL WITH THEM WITH UNDERSTANDING

DWELL WITH THEM WITH UNDERSTANDING

In this verse, the Apostle Peter puts his finger squarely on the primary role of the husband in marriage -- that of knowledgeable leadership. "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding." This emphasizes the responsibility of the husband in giving understanding leadership in his home.  Every man is ultimately responsible to God for what his home becomes.  This is what the Scriptures consistently teach.

In writing to the Corinthians the Apostle Paul says, "But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God."  Here the Holy Spirit through Paul puts the responsibility of the husband to exercise leadership in the home within the framework of total leadership in the universe. The head of the woman is the man, and that means that the man must take his responsibility as head seriously.

This is a role for which woman was not made, and essentially a role that she does not want.  I know it is popular to make jokes about henpecked husbands (and certainly there is evidence that such exists), but having observed married couples for a long time, and having personal involvement in marriage for over 30 years, it seems to me that the problem is not so much due to the wife seeking leadership, as it is the refusal of the husband to assume his responsibility of leadership.

It is difficult to understand how men can give themselves to responsible and knowledgeable leadership in work and other areas of life,  but when they get home they expect everything to go along all right and turn out well in the end -- without any thought, direction, or leadership on their part. We call the wives the homemakers, but it is usually the husband who chooses the values that go into his home.  It is the father who ought to take the leadership in deciding what is to be important in the home.  True, it's often the mother who implements this choice and upon her falls the responsibility for carrying out much of it, but by and large, it is the man who makes the choice of what the home will be, whether he does it consciously or unconsciously.  There is built into the man's nature, by divine mandate, not only a responsibility but a desire to do this.

It is the man who determines whether the family will be sports-fanatics or book lovers or both;  whether they are travelers or stay-at-homers; whether it is a family that emphasizes personal integrity in their relationships, or who are manipulators;  whether they are spiritually minded or materially minded.  Almost always the values of the family are determined by the husband/father. This is also, therefore, where men most frequently fail in marriage. We do not exert leadership and give understanding direction to the home.  Even if we do give some kind of leadership, it is not thoughtful or intelligent -- it is not "according to understanding," as Peter says.  We simply drift along, making the best of things according to the way we feel at the moment. Thus there is no leadership at all, or at best unbalanced leadership.

Many marriage counselors dealing in this area have pointed out that in our American life, we don't teach men to be men.  Therefore, many men grow up and get married who are nothing more than grown-up little boys, still looking for mothers rather than wives.  They want someone to serve their physical needs, keep them well fed and happy, and soothe their egos when they get hurt.  They want someone to wait on them,  to be there to fulfill whatever demand they may make. But that is not the proper role of a wife, and that is why Peter's first word to men is: Understand what a marriage ought to be, what the rules are, what is expected of you according to the Word of God.  Because what a home will be is determined primarily by the husband.

If the man does not fulfill his responsibility of leadership in the home, then the wife has to take that responsibility, thereby forcing her to assume a role for which she is not made, and as I have already suggested, she does not basically and essentially desire. 

One way men fail in this is by unbalanced leadership.  They think that their major concern is to make a living, and it is the wife's job to run the home.  They give their whole attention to the business of making money so they can provide the comforts of modern life for their family.  Most American men do a commendable job along this line by the way.  They take this responsibility (which is properly part of their responsibility in marriage) very seriously, but then they leave the rest of it to their wives.  They take no active part in teaching their children the Bible.  They take no active part in helping their wives teach and practice sound moral values. They take little or no part in disciplining their children.  The husband makes a small part of life his primary concern while the rest of life, with the greatest and most important values within it, is left wholly for the wife.  But this is a denial of what Peter suggests that man's first responsibility is. To exercise understanding leadership.  Men must act with understanding, he says, and choose intelligently what comes into their homes.  This is the number one responsibility of the husband in the home.