The Rubber Band Effect: Getting Him to Want to Spend Time with You

The Rubber Band Effect: Getting Him to Want to Spend Time with You 

 

 I was reading the May issue of Cosmopolitan magazine and they had an article called “Your Secret Love Weapon” by Robin Hilmantel. The article speaks about the moment in a relationship where the guy starts to back away.


This was the first Cosmo article that I ever pulled out a highlighter to take note of certain points because this pattern has been a needle in my side when it comes to relationships. I understand that eventually people run out of things to talk about so frequently but it bothers me that the desire to spend time talking to and hanging out with someone we really like or love decreases. For me, communication is comparable to the spark in the relationship. If we stop talking or seeing each other then I see it as a direct reflection of how much a person actually wants to be in a relationship with me

I’m the type of person who is able to text a guy I’m seeing all day back and forth. This is not because I’m clingy but because I enjoy communicating with someone who is always on my mind. If they reciprocate with a text or phone call, then a conversation for however long will occur. What I find is that in the beginning of my relationships the constant desire for conversation and contact is shared. I’ll wake up everyday to a “good morning sunshine” text, and go to bed with a promise to talk again tomorrow. The conversation is usually only ending because one of us is beyond exhausted due to the day we each had at work. Eventually, the “good morning” texts stop coming or are very few and far between. The daily conversations turn into a check in periodically throughout the day. Lastly, the face to face interactions also decrease and become a non-confirmed “maybe date” on the weekends.

In my experience every time the communication began to disappear the relationship eventually did as well. From the outside looking in it seems to be common sense. Every one who has a successful relationship always gives credit to communication. I know that most of what they are referring to has to do with sharing their wants and needs with their partner. For me in addition to sharing the emotional stuff, it boils down to quality time.

In the article the author refers to a moment all women can relate to. The moment when a woman is texting a guy who has been MIA and still gets no response. Then when she decides to not text him for a night she’ll end up with more than one message from that guy before the night is over. The Rubber Band Effect as described in the article is imagining that: “there’s a giant rubber band around you and your guy. Anytime he seems to be getting distant, the best counteractive tactic is to pull away yourself. When you do so, you cause that virtual elastic to stretch… and suddenly, he feels the urge to spring back to you.”

The author suggests that when a guy starts to back away then you should do the same. Not as a way to play a game of cat and mouse but to restore balance and desire in a relationship by reading the signs that he needs space. The article breaks down the three stages of relationships where a guy could lose interest if you appear to be too available. These stages are the initial meeting, when you have been dating for a few months, and when you are in a mutual long term commitment. As I usually make it through the first five minutes I focused on the advice from the second and third stages. Here are some gems of advice the author quoted from psychologists and experts that made me understand my behavior/ the error of my ways and gave me insight on how to change the pattern:

In the first few months:

"Guys need time apart to test and whether being with a particular woman is really what they want they want, whereas women try to spend even more time as a couple to figure out if they’re compatible with that guy." - Denise Budden Potts, PhD ( Psychologist)

“It’s called mate-value economic…Women who are too easy to attract are perceived as less desirable” – David Buss, PhD (Evolutionary psychology researcher and professor at University of Texas at Austin

(After spending time apart) “…When he initiates coupley one-on-one time, you know for sure it’s because he’s ready, not because he feels obligated.” – Daniel Ellensberg, PhD (Relationship Expert)

In a long term commitment:

“When it comes to couple time, you want quality, not quantity… If you have been happily occupied and he’s had a chance to miss you, being together will feel as exciting and fulfilling as when you first met.” - Denise Budden Potts, PhD ( Psychologist)

What a lot of the advice in this article boils down to is getting your own life. Though I have my own hobbies I’ll admit to becoming wrapped up in my relationship enough to spend more time on him, and us, rather than on myself. Eventually, my hobbies are his hobbies or our hobbies. When he needs space and I’m not engaging in his or our hobbies because he’s not there, then I don’t know what to do with myself, and the gaps in between communication might as well be gaping holes because I’m not filling them with me time.

So I have resolved to get a life, enjoy hobbies that allow me to step away from the computer and my writing to explore new things or delve further into the things I enjoy like art and music as well as meet some new and interesting people. I talked about this a little bit in a post I did a while ago but now I’m taking it to the next level.

As my Facebook status flashes my single status to the world I’m cashing in on the me time I have until someone decides to “put a ring on it”. I started a new section on the blog called Every “Single” Weekend highlighting all of the date nights where I’m dating myself. I think it's important to mention that I'm not getting a life so that I can get any man to miss me. Part of the motivation does have to do with getting into the habit of treating myself and getting out more, so that if I am in a committed relationship again he does not  get bored because I'm always at his disposal. The other part is learning how to have fun on my own, and cherishing that time a much as I do the company of whatever man I'm seeing.